Boo yeah!

Written Friday night late, so pardon the date when published.

Today is a beautiful day TWELVE of meditation. I told Rob that it was day eleven yesterday and he said to tell him when it's day twenty. I think he will fall off his chair if I make it to forty because his biggest frustration is that I don't do anything that he would like me to do consistently. There's usually a 24-72 hour time limit.

Okay, brief update on the food situation. I did okay until yesterday when I had two cookies and today when I had pizza (crust = white flour which converts to sugar ASAP + yeast) and some sweets from our awesome 'gingerbread' houses (made with graham crackers). It was super fun. The girls had a BLAST! By 9 or 10pm I was having LOTS of pain. It comes and goes, but man alive it is so annoying. I am not a pill popper... unless it comes to this. I did take only 2 motrin and that seemed to help. So what this tells me is that I caved waay too soon and it feels sad to not have sugar when it's around. Silly perhaps, but that is how I feel! This is going to be a LONG journey.

I have thought that if this doesn't go away in the next couple/few weeks, maybe I should wean Megan. The only problems with that are that breastmilk is WAAAAAAAY better than formula and I'll feel like I failed. If I do everything in my power to be comfortable then we can probably nurse quite happily (instead of me bracing myself for latch-on and hoping she doesn't wiggle all over like a normal health six-month old does). It's been a lot better this week until tonight so that tells me that the medicine, a homeopathic, and my strides at less yeast-loving food is helping. That's the good news. If I do everything I can and it still doesn't work then I won't feel like I gave up too early. So, let's see what happens.

Windows Opening

I've had some neat experiences with meditating lately. I'm too tired to write all of the details. This is the 2nd night in a row where Mommy's dozing and dying to climb into bed, but I still have the two wee ones awake. I do feel like my health issue here is 'compelling me to be humble.' That's not as great as choosing to be humble on my own, but it's better than not at all! That just so happened to get awful enough to do something different, while I'm learning mediation. This kind of meditation is very different and totally strange to someone who's not looking at what the meaning or purpose behind it is. Some of it involved music. Oh, how that makes me happy! I think it's all meant to be.

Oh, and I just have to note something that I also think is NOT a coinscidence. Felice was talking about a 'stony heart' and what that means. The Savior can take that away for us. I also think of having a broken heart (and a contrite spirit). Kinda the same idea. Well, when I was raiding my parents' books I found a book called "The Peacegiver" thinking it would talk about the Savior right off. Well the first part of the book said the exact same thing about a stony heart. Ding ding ding! I need to read this book. And to my surprise it talks about a couple who've been married for 12 years (we're going on 10) and their marriage is in BAD shape. I've only read a few pages, but I'm intrigued and want to learn from whatever happens. I need to see if it's a true story too. Prevention is key and this girl needs a warm, squishy heart. It will bless everyone around me, especially my beautiful family. On a side note this makes me think of what a wise man once told me (my dad... recently and with conviction), "Don't underestimate the power of your influence on your family." Woah. It's totally true. If I turn my weaknesses into strengths, watch out world! PS I'm going to try and not complain so much and also write random happy thoughts even if I'm grumpy about something because the more I say it, think it, write it, the more true it will feel. See, this is me trying to 'reframe.' I really don't like wondering if people are annoyed with my whining inadvertantly. I want to be sushine like my friend Anne! Okay, focus!

I have been a lot better about avoiding treats and bread for the most part and I'm trying to be a more calm and attentive Mama and then guess what windows OPEN? I checked my e-mail with some great news. Guess who's (ironically) taking a class on Raw Chocolate Desserts?! --> Me <-- a="a" absolutely="absolutely" actually="actually" ago="ago" aren="aren" because="because" by="by" class="class" dessert="dessert" desserts="desserts" divine="divine" for="for" future.="future." how="how" href="http://www.jjvitalityfood.com/" i="i" invited="invited" is="is" it="it" learn="learn" long="long" make="make" nbsp="nbsp" needs...="needs..." not="not" perfect="perfect" processed="processed" s="s" shannon="shannon" sugar.="sugar." t="t" target="_blank" taught="taught" that="that" the="the" think="think" to="to" too="too" want="want" was="was" what="what" with="with">Jaylene Johnson
, but it was one of those evenings where Mom just needed to be here at home :-) Someday I hope to take her classes as well.
And the other message? To call my friend's boss because she does have an opening to do data entry from home. YESSS! I've waited a couple of months for when she had a need. I was so giddy it was an awesome day. So super cheesy, but I could feel a skip in my step and a ray of hope and joy again. I've been so GRUMPY lately it's unreal. Rob sounded happy. I feel like I have freedom to throw myself back into the art of homemaking. Before Rob asked me to work a little while ago, I was getting ready to jump in feet first to create delicious nutrious meals daily and keep our home picked up. It's all in my head, I know, but now I feel at peace.

I did speak with Sara, my friend's boss. She started out working for someone else a couple years ago and long story short, she is her own boss and then needed help and now has 10 people working for her. I think everyone is an independant contractor. I need to look over the documents she sent, but from what I know I would be compiling data for broker opinions? And I did see an MLS listing in the docs so we shall see. On Monday we'll go over everything and then I'll get my first thing to do and go from there. She gives you one a day for a while and then hopes for 3-5 to be done each day. When I'm proficient, by about 60 days (I'm hoping way sooner) she'll train me on how to do computations and other things. When I can do everything from start to finish 'there's money to be made' she said. And I feel totally fine about this because my friend works for her already so I know this is legit! You never know what is real and what isn't when looking online for work at home. I feel so extremely blessed and I pray that this will work out long term and easy some of our financial burdens.

Oh, and then the very next day I got a message from a friend's sister asking if I'd be interested in cooking a few meals during the week for their family, as her son has dairy/wheat/gluten sensativities. She works full time and is very busy. We'll meet up after the new year and talk about it. I desperately need to get organized and more consistent on my responsibilities first.

So life is looking up. I just need to make our home look like life is great, not NUTS :-P. Now for some rest. No school. Yea! Christmas tree hunting. Yea! Sweetest dreams. (I remember mine more now and they're more real since I started meditating and that's normal. Cool.)

Meditation for Reals and Candida overgrowth?!

I had the right idea when I posted last, about striving for something for a long period of time and I worried it was too vague. Yep, it was. And what's funny is that since I've written last I took a great class about "Change" and attempted a 30 day challenge to help change my thought process.

What you do is, throughout the day write down 10 negative thoughts you have and then 2 positive thoughts for each negative one. The first positive is the opposite like "I'm lazy" and "I am NOT lazy" which I think is kind of silly because I am lazy... often. BUT my best self isn't! See, I did learn how to reframe some thoughts :-P Then you add another happy thought just for kicks and giggles. I had a hard time coming up with the negative thoughts and it bothered me to have to brainstorm negative things!

THEN I discovered a "40 day Meditation" that a group was doing. The class is once a week for six weeks via Ustream. It's taught by Felice Austin, the author of The Gift of Giving Life. She is also a Mother, hypnotherapist, and Kundilini Yoga and Meditation teacher. It started on November 13th 2012 and it is FASINATING. Rob thinks it's completley wierd so I don't talk too much about it. He did say, "Tell me when you get to day 10." You're on.

I did begin a meditation journal to write down my thoughts and experiences with it, as well as some notes from the classes. I thought to write blog posts about it, but I think writing physically is good for me and it's an easy reference to grab instead of getting online.

I am owning the fact that I have started this 40 Day Meditation 4 times already! I'm on Day 4, completed :-) Farthest I've gotten. I usually do a simple 7 minute mediation. I may only do that much time because what's important to me at this point is just DOING it each day.

CANDIDA OVERGROWTH?!

I need a place to vent and WHINE and most importantly, I hope to PROGRESS. With my last 3 out of 5 babies I have had yeast in my breasts. People usually call it 'thrush' but there are no issues in my little one's mouth thank goodness! I had NO idea what the heck the stabbing shooting pain was with baby #3 and I learned a bit here and there, was partially in denial, tried a few natural things, refused to go to my midwife for an RX because I was going through a phase, FAILED at a yeast free diet and weaned her early :-( That makes no sense to me now, but at least she was ten and a half months old, so I did do lots of good. Got to remember that.

With baby #4 I finally said forget this and took diflucan, which worked just fine.

Now, with baby #5 I have taken a 150mg of flucanazole two days apart and a week later I took 200mg of flucanazole for five days in a row. I was not very good at applying nystatin cream as it's a pain to wipe off before hand, but I did do it some. Not ideal. Guess what?! It's still RAGING. I am enjoying a moment of no pain. I've been taking Motrin nearly daily for probably a week, mostly just once, but somtimes twice and it's usually 3-4 that will actually help with the pain.

I ate three large celery sticks with peanut butter for breakfast and I'm hungry. I'm not even supposed to eat peanut butter, but it's better than toast or jam :-P If you didn't check out the link, I basically need to stick to veggies, meat/beans/legumes, and perhaps small amounts of grains. NO sugar, NO foods with yeast/mold (pb, mushrooms, soy)... I don't honestly believe that I will do this 100% because I lack SOOOOOOO much in self-discipline. Last night I felt like an alcoholic as I did have one chocolate with my girls and then left for an errand and thoroughly enjoyed two more all by myself. MMMMM.

Why do we sometimes do things that are (literally) painful for us? I think I am addicted to sugar. I don't necessarily want it every day, though I'm not opposed to that usually (I've been waaay better lately because of this whole thing), but when I do have it I don't stop at ONE thing... EVER. If you're like my husband and don't understand whatsoever, Kris Carr paints a great picture of this on her site. She also talks in either Hungry For Change or Food Matters about sugar addiction. She'd eat several brownies or what have you, and then have to throw them away so she wouldn't eat more. (Done that!) Then she'd get them OUT of the trash to eat more. Then she discovered spraying them with windex would do the trick. I haven't done that one, but I can relate :-P More later...

40 Days of Concicous Living- Days 3 & 4

DAYS 3 & 4

My mind is getting foggier and foggier as this week goes by and my 'consciousness' is waning. This is what always happens. Gotta keep going, if it there's not a whole lot to report. There are some decent amount of stresses going on with Rob starting a new job and adjusting to our new income. It's going to get a little ugly in some ways, but I absolutely believe this was meant to be and as long as we try to stay close and be team players, we'll pull through this as happy as ever. Biggest thing I need to change ASAP, like NOW is to stop checking out mentally/emotionally. Today is classic. I have no idea how much time I've spent on the computer and it has to stop. So let me get these thoughts out and move on.

Couple of thoughts... I remembered yesterday that I used to have this fear when I was a teenager and perhaps 20 something (still am, just haven't felt this for a long time) that when all was well and going good, 'what is going to happen to make it come crashing down?' I honestly wonder if that's part of the reason I underachieve almost always. If I do that, things can't come crashing down or I can't make as many mistakes! Just thought that was really good to be aware of. I need to let that panicky feeling wash over me and just roll with the punches, be happy for the progress I'm making and don't be so disappointed when it's not as ideal as I'd like.

Played a simple game with Katie yesterday and then Emma, except Emma made her own game up and she LOVED playing with me. Individual time with my girls is so important. A habit I must create. It was really FUN even if it was brief and I know the more I do that, the more I will WANT to do it and the more naturally it will come to me.

Sweet Bri got 3 big stitches on the back of her head last night. Daddy took her because she listens WAAAAY better to Daddy, especially after this week where Mommy's way to close to joining the funny farm due to being overwhelmed. She did great and thankfully they didn't have to wait long at all. Feew! What a trooper, that girl :-> She's our most stubborn and difficult child. The lucky girl gets to be the middlest! But she also has this super sweet and affectionate side that just makes you melt!

Planning for a better day tomorrow and for better weather. Hoping to have a play group at the park if the weather is better. Offered for it to be at our home if it's not nice out, but I did NOTHING to get ready for that (aka attack the toy room) so pray for good weather!

40 Days of Conscious Awareness- Day 3

DAY 3

I officially need to do two things. #1 more sleep and #2 to write my post the night OF. The day before is foggy when it comes to those little things here or there that I felt were a step in the right direction or being a YES mom.

All I can honeslty remember is that before we left to play at Nana's, our home was clean and I told the girls that their Daddy would think he walked into the wrong house! That RARELY happens :-) I did read my scriptures, but I forgot the calm heart medication. Darn!

I had a great chat with Tiffany from The Power of Moms. I inquired about setting up a retreat here in my area so I wouldn't have to travel to one in Utah and it would be discounted. Well, it's actually free, plus a wee bit of moola for my time. Ye-haw! Anyway, we just went over the things I need to get started on now. I've already found a GREAT location in Rigby at a fellow SAHM's house. It's awesome. Now I just need to find a great sandwhich shop, chair rentals, and a microphone for now. I'm also starting to create a small Retreat Team that will help with logisitcs, mostly on the day of, but some beforehand as well.

I also had the best chat with my brother Patrick! I've decided that we could be awesome friends (kinda hard since he lives on the East Coast) and we're going to be. We've been this far apart since I left for college and he was still in the Navy so we've never really had an extended period of time to because great friends. Bummer! We plan on skyping weekly with the kiddos so they can stay in touch. Very happy about that!

When he was visiting town last week we discoverd a couple of amazing healthy modalities. One was Joy Coaching , Laghter Yoga and the other was Energy Healing. A-Mazing. And now I got on this hypnosis education kick so I'm in the GLORY. My favorite thing to do on earth is honestly learning and helping people. I swear Patrick said something about wanting to be a healer. Don't quote me, but he must have because it's like he took the words out of my mouth. I've said the same thing to my Dad. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, but I know I want it be something like that. And I don't mean some voo doo crazy person (though some people will disagree), but I want to truly help those with whom I meet, #1 being my family and loved ones :-D

Okay, off to do something else and resist looking incessantly for a job a don't want, but feel partially the need to find. Gotta do some soul searching here and what will be best for us. Later!

40 Days of Conscious Living- Day 2

DAY 2

After a complete fail last night at bed time... lost my cool and felt like I have NO IDEA what to do about a child who gets out of bed incessantly! Super grumpy this morning and even when Rob came home, but after some talking and tears (me not Rob, in case you were wondering :-P) I felt calmer and motivated to do better and be happier by the time he got home. Thankfully it happened sooner than later. I was glad that Addy and Megan decided to stop crying at the same time right as Rob was getting home for lunch. Then they were decent for a bit after that. After some more nursing and putting Megan in my room where it was quiet she decided to sleep for a LONG time. Like hours! She does tend to do that after being fairly needy, she crashes :-) Love that girl already and not just because she sleeps for long stretches sometimes. She's just awesome all together!

Instead of finishing laundry and dishes (ideal) I attacked our SCARY closet in the hallway that houses all of the girls' coloring/crafty type supplies, and a plethora of random things that get shoved in there. I filled up most of my 'paper' box for recycling (a diaper box) and two grocery bags of trash. Wa-hoo! While I was doing this, I let the girls color which isn't out of the ordinary, but I did say YES to them using some poster board and YES to paints. I am a NO mom, wanting to convert to being a YES mom. The reason? Usually the NO is because I don't want to deal with it. I'm tired of being a tired, grumpy, DONE mom. I love to see them smile when I say YES.

I read them stories on the couch earlier for kicks and at bed time and sang Bri a song. That's one of her favorite parts of bed time. Didn't keep her there for very long, but she was a lot calmer tonight and so was I, though I still won't feel successful until she goes to bed without a spanking. That doesn't happen all the time, but more often than I want. I hated being spanked and yet I have NO IDEA how to get her to listen. NO JUDGING please.

I actually made dinner, though I totally torched the burgers so I can never give Rob crap again for doing the same thing. Oops. My excuse was that I was nursing and didn't want to have to put her down to flip them several times, but I will ask for assistance in the future. I can taste the charcoal, I mean burger, if I think about it. Eeek!

Our Family Rules Chart is working fairly well. I got the idea from here. I'm still seeing how they work and may tweak it to meet our needs, but so far it's helping ME discipline more consistently because I often avoid it which creates monsters (like I was). I love my girls and I want them to grow up healthy and happy. I had a great childhood and my parents stopped at 2 kiddos which helped them to not be crazy like I feel lately. Love them!

Next goal is to get us on a schedule. I'm going to pay for my activities tonight which was a 2 hour class online which took more like 3 because kids weren't all asleep until 11:13pm. Tomorrow is going to suck for me, but my plan is to get the girls up by 8 or 8:30am at the absolute latest. I have to follow through now because it's in writing right? I didn't get them up on time because I was dreading my responsibilities and I hate that feeling. I don't think it's hormonal like PPD. I think it's just feeling completely overwhelmed with needs and the responsibility I haven't taken time to perfect. BABY STEPS right? Trying to look at the bright side.

One last thing. REALLY want to find a way to make some money at home. I have one potential opportunity I'm waiting to hear on. That is my only option at this point if I'm going to keep my sanity. Working out of the home would be way too stressful just yet with a newborn. If you know of anything holler! Not sales though. Heck no.

Okay one more last thing. The class I took is from a free Hypnosis course. Then if you like it after getting a taste of it, you can go on to finish the entire thing a become a Hypnotherapist. I learned about it from a gal I've chatted with who went to this school. REALLY wish I could continue on after I finish this in the next 4 weeks. This is one of the few things that would normally be affordable that I've looked into. I learned more in these 2 hours than I have at all about hypnosis and it makes sooooooo much sense. I understand more about myself and how others behave. Can't wait to try out the homework on my girls and Rob :-> Anyone else? At least I know it's there and I'll have a better idea of my interest in it after finishing the course and picking this gal's brain about how she likes her work. If it's meant to be it will work out when the time is right :-)

40 Days of Conscious Living

DAY 1

When I want to improve I tend to back out fairly quickly. It lasts a few days and then it's back to normal. One reason is pure laziness. Another is often emotional. I throw my hands in the air and say, "Forget it!" Lastly, I often want to change so much at once that I'm overwhelmed by the things I should do, so I don't do anything. I've done this since I was a teenager if not younger. My parents can attest to this!

I've been learning a little bit about meditation and energy work, two things I want to dive deeper into. One idea is to choose a mantra meditation like this and do it for 40 days. I've also heard of people having a "babymoon" (the restful period of time after giving birth) for 40 days. I didn't choose to do that latter. The point is that there's a lot of significance to that number that I hope to learn more about as well.

This is what my 40 Days of Conscious Living is about...

"Don't get so caught up in the details of whether you are "doing it right"

that you become paralyzed to doing anything.
If you are trying, you ARE doing it right." Kate

A huge part of being conscious through out my, as cheesy as this sounds, is asking myself "How am I feeling?" My brother had a consultation with a friend of mine that does Joy Coaching. She's the one who pointed this out and for whatever reason, it has sat with me. I am a very reactive person. I get angry easily. Last night I knew why I was mad, and though I did not make the best choices, I at least told Rob WHY I was so flaming mad. I've heard that anger is a secondary emotion. The first emotion that I was feeling was burdened. Whether I should have felt that way or not is another story. I apologized for my behavior to my kids and I need to do the same to Rob. We'll also have to discuss how I feel when he's annoyed that the baby nurses loudly or she's in bed with us after I nurse like this morning. I climbed out of bed at 5:51am and I'm SOOOO tired since I crashed at 1am. Obviously I chose to have these quiet times and I think it will be fine if I can get a nap later! Okay, moving on....

So, more about how I feel. In the quote above it mentions "doing it right." In my mind, I feel that I should be doing x, y, and z most days to be a successful wife and mother. Since I'm not consistent about most everything in my life I usually shut down and doing nothing or nearly nothing. As Rob puts it, I do the bare minimum (if that). I own it! I have rarely ever lived up to my potential. I think my perspective about myself is unique. I say this without meaning to sound pompous or anything, but I feel that if I were to do my best or as this quote says, **TRY** I could do amazing things for my family, myself, and my community. Some people have self esteem issues, we all do in some way, but I'm not worried about my abilities. I just have this crushing habit of avoiding what I NEED to do and what I COULD do to bless our lives.

I'm not sure how this will work because it's not a specific goal per se, but it boils down to trying each day to be a better person... to be closer to God and my family by making small strides in that direction without letting life's stresses bring me down to the point where I don't care about what I need to do. And these obstacles will absolutely come such as limited finances since Rob just started a new job with less pay after a few weeks without work. I know it will be okay, but I'm trying to be conscious about the fact that it won't be easy & I am almost always driven by how I feel instead of what I should do. Below is what I've done to make today a successful day. I'll check back later to post how the rest of my day went.

Moving Forward

Calm Heart Meditation for a handful of minutes.

Read 1 chapter of my scriptures.

Yoga- Energizing Morning Sequence.

This is huge for me: I prayed kneeling and out loud.

Later...
Danced with my girls, though they were mostly staring at my moves :-P
Said yes when I wanted to say no.
Tried really hard to NOT flip my lid at bed time with child getting out incessantly, but failed. Could have been worse though.
I know there were more, but since I'm adding these the next day they're foggy now. I'll try to stay on top so I don't forget!

As you can tell it's been a while since I posted! I've made a couple of blogs and haven't gotten into the grove of blogging, mostly because I don't enjoy self reflection. Same reason why I don't journal hardly anymore. And that thing called time. Go figure.

I can't honeslty write much because I'm slowly fading here at nearly 1am. I was soooo tired this morning I was dozing off while the kiddos watched some shows with their cousin Lyric :-) And yet I'm still up because it's quiet and it's me time. Megan, our newest addition is awake and happy at the moment, but momentarily I'll be scooping her up for a diaper change and nursing in bed.

I have a ton on my mind. I don't want to complain and I always write about wanting to change, but never do it. So, I'll spare those things and say that I love my family and I love my life. I want to figure out HOW to actually behave like that is the case. I am such an angry, grumpy person it's awful. I know it's largely feeling overwhelmed. But why am I so withdrawn from my kids?! I hate writing that this is the case. UGH. Okay, tomrrow is another day. My brain feels like mush.

I am grateful for:
1. My brother Patrick.
2. Learning about ways to make us happier/healthier like laughter, energy healing, nutrition, etc.
3. Forgiving children and husband.
4. Husband that's willing to work hard and be in pain so that we can have a roof over our head.
5. My amazing body and the ability to bring human life into this world.
6. Friends that share their experiences so that I feel motivated/inspired.
7. Being happily married- being unhappy in our marriage SUCKS.
8. My children's imagination and enthusiasm that seems to have left my grown-up self.
9. Parents that care about me, how I feel, what I'm doing, LOVE and interact with our kids, etc.
10. Heavenly Father and Mother, my Savior, the Spirit.